america the beautiful!

a few ticklers to celebrate our country (taken from, don’t worry they’re clean)

  • Rusty Ward:  We are the fattest nation on the planet. You know we’re obsessed with food when we come up with something called cotton candy. Who was so hungry they thought, ‘I wish I could eat my clothes’?
  • Kyle Grooms:  I like immigrants ’cause they really appreciate America. They get here; they happy. They look up at the buildings like, ‘Wow! It’s beautiful.’ And we’re like, ‘You like it? Good. You gonna clean the bathrooms.’
  • Greg Giraldo:  People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.
  • Johnny Steele:  We’re not lazy? We invented the drive-by shooting, ladies and gentlemen. We don’t have the common decency to beat someone with a stick or our bare hands. We’re gonna shoot them — but guess what? We’re not even gonna get out of the car and do it, for God’s sake. We’re not even gonna stop the car.
  • Colin Quinn:  People call us lazy, that’s what gets to me. We’re not lazy, folks. We’ve only been in this country for 300 years. We built nuclear weapons plants, malls, factories. We’re not lazy — we’re done.

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